On a Japanese toy:
DANGER!
A dangerous toy. This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contained generously. Only the person who can take responsibility by itself is to play.

(see www.engrish.com for more fun “engrish”!)

On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

On a Taiwanese shampoo:
Use repeatedly for severe damage.

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids:
Lie down on bed and insert Poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting Poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning—Keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
Open other end.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a Danish web site for pesticides:
Pests:
Trips constitutes only a small problem. Use utility animals or insecticide soap. Eventually showering with water.
Watering:
Scarcely watering is recomended. Tolerates drying out periodes between watering. No special demand to the housewive’s “green thumbs”.

(look for Jane O’Boyle’s Free Drinks for Ladies With Nuts: Delightfully Mangled English from Around the World for more of these!)

A notice in a Vienna hotel urges:
In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter

The sign at the concierge’s desk in an Athens hotel reads:
If you consider our help impolite, you should see the manager.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

A hotel notice in Madrid informs:
If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you:
If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates:
If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

In a Sorrento hotel:
Contact the concierge immediately for informations. Please don’t wait last minutes then it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences.

In a certain African hotel you may choose between:
A room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two years.  

On the menu of a Vietnamese restaurant:
Pork with fresh garbage.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer:
As for the trout served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praise to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today—no ice cream.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

English sign in a German cafe:
Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

At a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skins.  

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours—we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Mallorcan shop entrance:
— English well talking.  — Here speeching American.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence.  I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware!  Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot.  Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.  I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.

Yah-hah, evil spider woman!  I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

Greetings, large black person.  Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

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